Rain

(I am on my 6th day on the road. I am now on solo. I am writing this on a weakly lit room here in Roxas City which cost Php400.)

How do you unload the heavy parts of your heart? How do you keep the memory that you do not want to remember keep coming back in your mind? How do you pick out the bad things in your brain? How would you live each day without the zombies of the past haunt you?

I know many answers, and I have shuffled and tried them on my mind. I thought about them over and over. If life were just like an exam in school, choosing a correct answer would definitely be easy. But now, it is not.  Now, finally, I am writing down something that might work.

Though I believe I am a resilient person, my closest buddies will know how much I temporarily whine with my environment. I finish the things that I am supposed to do, but I recognize the agony and the challenges that come with it. I throw out words as a mechanism to draw out the ounce of negativity in me. Then after that, everything becomes positive again.

But the past days, weeks, months have been extra difficult, that even how much I whined, the pain kept coming back. I fought really hard, and it tired me. The ‘evil’ made its way to chase me, to pull me.

For now, this is the answer that would fit me: Forgetting.

I am not just letting go of a load that I never thought I would carry — I am deciding to forget. But no, I will not strip the bird’s view story in my mind. I am particularly forgetting that moment of pain and deceit in my mind.

That in this way, the thoughts may go away.

That in this way, the instances will fade.

That in this way, the evil will burn to ashes.

 

What I need to answer would be these questions:

Will I forget the weight of this boulder on me?

Will I forget the evils chasing my foot?

Will I forget the pain pierced on me?

 

And as I forget things, I will walk up the stairs without metal weights on my ankles, walking freely.

And as I forget things, the evils will remain evils.

And as I forget things, how things run might eventually go back to how they were.

 

As I forget things, may I be able to tap my heart and tell that it is now fine.

As I forget things, may I be able to tap my soul and tell that it is now fine.

As I forget things, may I be able to tap my mind and tell that it is now fine.

For the next 3 to 6 months, I could not wish for anything but solitude and joy. The load, the evils, the pain — they will try to come back, but as I forget, may I not recognize them anymore, and let them become part of the wind, the dust, the air.

For the next 3 to 6 months, I am taking out the chest I hid, and unlock it, and pick up my joyful self that I kept there. I only wanted that joy not to be tarnished.

For the next 3 to 6 months, I will forget.

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