When a person is gone, you have the option to kiss him/her goodbye or to keep him in your mind.
Monique. A very usual name. Anyone walking around could possibly be Monique. Monique. A very uncelebrated name.
I am an applicant of UP Circle of Industrial Engineering Majors (UP CIEM). I was planning to cancel my application in CIEM since I was also applying for UP Streetdance Club. Of course, my priority is Streetdance Club, no explanation needed. Then one sunday, my buddy, the member of CIEM in charge of taking care of a certain applicant, texted me. She was asking to meet up with me so with could discuss my application.
The monday, someone told me an IE student died.
Tuesday, it’s CWTS day! My groupmates were wearing white shirt. I humorly asked them why they were all in white. Were they going to attend a party? Then one of them was shocked. OF course, I was also shocked. What a reaction to a very light question?
“Buddy mo kaya yun!”
Whaattt?! I didn’t get it first. Then they told me my buddy’s dead.
Tennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. End of the conversation. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.
I decided never to look at any of Monique’s picture. I didn’t want to know her. It was better off this way since knowing her would cost me so much misery, and feeling of ignorance was way way more comfortable as of not carrying her death.
But I cannot control things. Kuya Ron showed me Monique’s picture, and that just made me feel more guilt.
I just had my interview. They asked me to grade myself as an applicant. I scored myself a low grade. Why? I didn’t do well at the start of the application, and I was fully aware of that. They scrutinized my answer, and it was all fine with me. I deserve to be scrutinzed. Screw me.
But I never had the chance to say my side, our side. I was about to stop my application, but my buddy died. It was some sort of an anti-guilt to apply in CIEM. It was much more of pushing it for Monique more than what I really wanted. It was our fight. But during the interview, all I was feeling was guilt. I failed Monique. I failed Monique. I failed Monique. I failed Monique.
Bakit ko pa kasi nalaman kung sino siya? Sorry to those who interviewed me. Sorry for not being an ideal applicant. But if it wasn’t for Monique, I wouldn’t have continued my application.